raedwyer
Rae

gardener / writer / oracle + mentor / other-world traveller 🌌🌹feminine initiation and leadership for recovering perfectionists and over achievers. somatic-shamanic guidance. intimacy centred + God-led.

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Last Notes

2026-02-02 12:47:05 UTC

I’m taking the following poem to an open mic to read next week, it’s on missing being an addict.
I wrote it a couple of years ago and forgot about it. Reading back over it last night really moved me.
It’s called: The Location I Rest In
Sometimes I think
I am fed up of this work.
Fed up with seeing
with no option to un-see.
Fed up with being in a perpetual
(rude)
awakening
and relentless
restless
initiation.
Just fed up.
Where is my break?
Will I ever catch a fucking break?
Please let me rest.
And I look to something
somewhere beyond me
to pay me my due
assaulted by the alarm
yet unable to hit snooze.
I look to something
somewhere beyond me
to recognise my hard work!
and bestow divine permission
to go back to sleep.
(Just for a week?)
You know what I sometimes miss?
The head rush of that first cigarette of the day.
And gossiping in the girls toilets on some cocktail of class As.
I think in a way
a small part of me misses the simplicity of suffering
and then having some woozy relief from it
and that being my life.
It is the tiniest part and I don’t want to admit that it is there.
But every time I find myself in the midst of another vascillation
of waking up out of yet another dream
every time another layer of fog is clearing
every time I feel like I am shouting into a void
and no one is listening
and my mind makes this path a battle I’ll never win -
I reminisce on the strange comfort of living in addiction.
And incredibly, it is just the medicine.
Because through the nostalgia
and the haze of hedonism
is this ever pristine reverberation
a whole body knowing
that seeing things as they truly are
is the land of heaven.
And recognising myself
for what I truly am
is the location I rest in.
#pleb #nostr #poetry #spiritualawakening #addiction #recovery

2026-01-26 14:53:08 UTC

My husband and I met a couple of mates for a catch up yday.
They're both working in offices. He used to chef with my husband and she was an artist.
He was talking about something happening with a colleague who wasn't "doing a good job" and how it's probable that he won't be supported and will be strategically removed.
He said that corporate work is like working under a death stare.
Gave me fucking chills honestly.
By the end of the convo his partner - the artist - was like omg why am I working in an office
And I know we all can't just go be artists forever the end
Like just quit your job and be an artist it's so easy lol
I'm also not gonna pretend there aren't down sides to purpose work especially for my chef/restauranteur other half who's work life balance has been a joke since the get go.
BUT what I am saying is that it really cemented for me why I will never trade purpose for security.
I am saying that standing in the fire of "no security" has a HUGE pay off when you resolve to stay in it. And cutting off a piece of your soul in exchange for security just... costs. And it keeps costing you.
It costs you life force and aliveness.
It costs you meaning.
And it costs you the transformation and inner freedom that only unleashed creativity and creative service brings about.
You can totally have that in the context of a "secure" job
But so many people are sitting around in offices and corporate jobs feeling like they are doing absolutely fuck all with their lives -
And I'm not even necessarily talking about it in terms of paying bills here anyway.
I'm talking about everything that goes uncreated and unshared for the sake of staying protected.
For the sake of not failing in front of the world. Not being critised or judged.
It costs you when you get to the end of your life and you have this immense back up of everything you second guessed and didn't express or create and you can hardly bare to look at it because it is so enormous.
And it's never too late to start. I don't care how old a person is.
Just don't sell your soul to "security" because it does not fucking exist.
Security is one of the greatest illusions as were ever sold.
#nostr #pleb #artist

2026-01-26 14:51:33 UTC

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Thank you ❤️

2026-01-21 22:58:54 UTC

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Oh I'm sorry. That is shit 😐

2026-01-21 22:55:36 UTC

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Thank you fren ❣️

2026-01-21 13:18:01 UTC

I played piano at an open mic night last night.
I’ve played in front of people twice before.
Once at my best mates wedding a decade ago. That was the thing that made me actually learn instead of the half cocked tinkering I was doing up until that point.
And the second time maybe seven-ish years ago at an arts event, I played a song I composed with a contemporary dancer.
I’ve avoided it because the fear is so intense. As soon as I look at the keys it’s like they melt together.
Was literally tearing up in the minutes before. Had to inhale ONE TWO THREE and exhale ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX because if I didn’t my mind was a big storm of WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE AND FREEZE AND HAVE TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE IN A FREEZE
All of my biggest fears have been to this effect: what if I freeze and lose the capacity to express myself?
The notes didn’t melt. I even made a mistake and had to stop and course correct. Laughed it off. It didn’t slam my nervous system into a hole. I stayed in my body.
I am so chuffed.
#nostr #GM #plebchain #pleblife #facingfear

2026-01-19 14:20:01 UTC

I think one of the most pervasive conditions among women, is hyper-vigilance.

2026-01-14 15:10:59 UTC

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I used to dream about looming storms and tornados a lot. I found that for me they were linked to emotional weather and the fear of dealing with sudden shifts in my internal state.

2026-01-14 15:08:51 UTC

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Thanks!

2026-01-10 15:13:32 UTC

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Preference is a killer haha

2026-01-10 14:19:23 UTC

A conversation between two versions of me that I would have liked to have had sooner:
Voice 1: I'm confused about belief work and how to do it in a way that actually creates results. It feels like I already know many of the beliefs that I have - or that a part of me has - that are creating the things I don't want or blocking me from the things that I do want, but I don't know what to do with that information. Trying to change it into a better belief feels like I'm pretending.
Voice 2: You don't actually need to do anything here once you've seen the belief.
Voice 1: Nothing?
Voice 2: Technically yes. Because you can see it. Once you see it, it's no longer pulling the strings behind the scenes.
Voice 1: Is this the bit where you tell me to have compassion for that part of me? Because I've tried that too and I don't know how to love something that does not feel lovable. When I try to be loving it feels like a performance.
Voice 2: Stop focusing on "being loving" based on your idea of what you think love is. Every attempt that you make to do something about your beliefs comes from a place of seeing them as a threat. So even something as seemingly good as trying to be loving ends up translating to "I think you are wrong and dangerous and I need to do something about you. Because you're stopping me from getting what I want."
Voice 1: Ahh. So even when I am trying to do right by myself, I am still rejecting myself. Fuck.
Voice 2: Yeah. And the gift is, you know instantly when that's happening because your body clearly tells you when you're performing self development from a place of self rejection. It feels fucking awful. You feel fucking awful.
Voice 1: So what can I do in that place? I always feel like I blew it.
Voice 2: You didn't blow it. You exposed it. You only need to stop and recognise it. You'll feel some pain for a bit. You'll feel the pain of the override alarm sounding and you'll feel the pain of the part that is in self judgment for overriding. It'll pass. Go take care of yourself. Don't make decisions or try to figure out any aspect of your life. The body is perfectly capable of discharging what got kicked up without your interference. Repeat that as many times as you need and you will feel better and better. New beliefs will naturally form that you didn't need to go looking for. And then new pockets of unconscious, limiting belief will open on their own too.
Voice 1: Okay, so I don't really even need to try to SEE it. I'll see things when I'm ready. And my job is to simply recognise it, without identifying with it as a threat.
Voice 2: Bingo.
#spirituality #pleb #pleblife #beliefwork #nostr

2026-01-09 17:41:06 UTC

Ultimate life hack to never before seen levels of creative flow:
Stop judging yourself.
Including the part that judges.
And I know. If it was that easy everyone would be doing it.
But it is that simple.
And simplicity is not easy.
It is cultivated by sitting in complexity.
#pleb #nostr #philosophy #pleblife #spirituality

2025-12-31 15:42:55 UTC

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Thank you!

2025-12-31 15:42:17 UTC

People who rage about chat GPT going rogue on them are people who cannot stand the sight of their own reflection in the mirror.
#pleb #nostr #pleblife

2025-12-30 13:54:52 UTC

I was hanging out with my ten year old nephew this past week and something went down between us that will stay with me.
He got a make your own comic book set for Christmas and he wanted me to help him. He seemed kinda concerned at the beginning - concerned about getting the front page right. He criticised something he drew. Wanted me to draw stuff for him. Had one (brilliant) idea and then threw that in the bin because he didn’t believe he could do it.
I suggested that he not worry too much about having the whole thing worked out and just play around with some ideas, draw up a few characters and practice, because there was loads of space in the book he had.
I said, in passing: It doesn’t have to be perfect.
And what happened after was fucking wild honestly. Like a stuck tap just got turned on.
He’d drawn a new character within minutes. And I knew it was that sentence because he repeated it back to me several times while excitedly bouncing his ideas off of me:
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
I know from having been a kid once, how deeply words are internalised. Words that the speaker might have forgotten about within seconds of saying them.
But that really cemented it for me. The way he took that in was so instant and powerful.
And it’ll stay with me because I was dominantly raised by a pair of perfectionists - who I love deeply and have gorgeous relationships with now - but as a kid I did not feel like I had permission to make mistakes or get it wrong and it left a pretty enormous gash on my nervous system that I’m still working out to this day.
If there is one thing I wanna teach my kid(s) when I have them, it’s that there is an endless amount of grace available to them for their mistakes.
Because that’s how you learn from them and not repeat the same mistake over and over and over again for years and years on end; you give yourself grace. And that grace is the light that illuminates the lesson.
#nostr #primal #perfectionism #pleb #plebchain #grownostr #pleblife

2025-12-24 17:44:45 UTC

A story / riff / poem about G R A C E
It is a livestream rec - takes a minute or two before we get going
Happy Christmas 🌹
#grace #godsgrace #spirituality #merrychristmas #unconditionallove
https://blossom.primal.net/aec126be07a5488847171616c0b572c7608c3b0d5ac38b024b44da9665fd4e58.mp4

2025-12-22 10:07:01 UTC

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Ive been shown a few clips of both. What a joke haha. The "boxer" Tate went up against couldn't even throw a tidy punch

2025-12-22 09:57:47 UTC

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Hahaha. Simplest way I can describe it is that the energetics of something is the difference between intellectually understanding something vs BEING it.

2025-12-21 22:02:23 UTC

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I did think that it might be worth watching the film again actually to see if there's anything in it worth noting

2025-12-21 20:29:05 UTC

I did a session this week where we worked directly at the fracture point.
The actual location of it, instead of all the downstream patterns and stories that it is so easy to get caught in.
And what became so clear that I realise I probably need to say in as many different ways as possible, is how common it is to hit this spot in your growth process, and literally not have an actual fucking clue what is going on with you. Like it is maddeningly convoluted.
A fragment comes up for integration. And with that come the old sensations / emotions / thought-forms.
But when you’re asked what you’re actually feeling, it’s like you draw a blank. Just feel bad. Like it’s too much. Like: I don’t know, but I need it to stop.
The system “goes down” but there’s no language for it because what is asking for recognition has never been seen. So the fragment stays unnamed.
Untended and unintegrated.
And then you get the fear because once one episode in the ringer is over, another one invariably comes and you still don’t have a clue “what it is” that keeps coming up. And even though you can trace some progression and “lightening” of the load, it feels like the same thing. Every. Time.
The fear-based narratives grip on all the sides.
Fear of how you’re gonna sleep through night and then go function the next day. Fear of running your business into the ground. Fear that you’ll be looping around the same thing forever.
And that fear becomes a second, heavier layer - one that creates FAR more suffering than the original fragment ever did.
I know this terrain so well. When a fragment keeps pulling you into the murk because it WANTS to be seen and brought home, and you don’t recognise WHO it is, so the mind scrambles wildly.
The problem solver kicks in:
Another biiiiig old layer of distraction. Fixing. Analysing. Searching for a cause.
Often, the sensations get projected onto external situations.
(aaaaaaanother layer!) Onto work and business. Onto money, body image, relationships. Onto the future.
There can be SO much mental obsession and distraction layered over the top of the thing.
Yet, the truth is so much quieter and more precise. And it is NEVER a failure or a regression. Ever.
It’s an integration point that hasn’t been met yet, and when it is finally recognised - not solved or bypassed or analysed - it shifts. The bottle necked energy lifts. Fear disperses.
You feel *consistently* better and you lead your business and life from that place, which obviously makes ALL of the difference - to your enjoyment and your results.
There is no relief in trying to contort your outside circumstances. It is a dead end road and it is one that many people circle around forever.
The release comes from finally knowing the truth of what you’re actually in and having a clear and supportive context for how to navigate it.
This is literally the difference between living in loops, and living a “whole pie” life, where creativity, spirituality, material success, relationships, and emotional life are fulfilled and continually evolving from a place of fulfilment.
This is the work I do.

2025-12-21 19:35:59 UTC

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It's not even about wanting. I am cringe. I say cringe stuff. The way this has been distorted to mean something about my husband just... reeks of shit and jealousy tbh

2025-12-21 19:32:00 UTC

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It was so cool!!

2025-12-21 19:31:05 UTC

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This is such a strange response. It's not given because it's needed.

2025-12-21 18:22:20 UTC

Last night, while dreaming, I met with a huge, white dragon that reminded me a lot of the one from Never Ending Story, and it felt like meeting a particularly ancient, old friend.
I cannot describe the recognition that I felt, and the immense love and protection emanating out of him. I called him fluffy. I somehow knew that wasn't his actual name, just the one I had for him. Felt like a really, really small and young part of me knew him and was present in that dream. I remember resting on his belly and feeling his warmth.
And that warmth has been blazing in my womb and heart all day. 🥹❤️‍🔥

2025-12-20 13:55:19 UTC

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Not necessarily. My answering of one person's question might serve 10 other people if they can see it. Appreciate some conundrums might require privacy though, so I'm happy for you to DM if you'd rather not comment publically.