#horror and #ttrpg enthusiast. I'm a bisexual anti-capitalist & aspiring propagandist. We're not free until we're *all* free. I sometimes have updates from my brother "Apollo" on the ground in Minneapolis. Guillermo del Toro fan account. Anarchist pep-talks are provided free of charge. Solidarity forever!
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2026-02-05T21:11:47Z Event JSON
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Last Notes npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Seriously, this realization is transformative to me. I'm sure it is obvious to some people, but *I* judge myself harshly for not being "original" enough. Meanwhile, many artists are constantly iterating. Artists will make whole series of images that are an iteration of the same core concept. They'll use the same subject over & over. Some artists are really only known for making images of one specific subject. Someone might draw dragons again & again, or just paint flowers, & so on. #nevent1q…eg08 npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Seriously, this realization is transformative to me. I'm sure it is obvious to some people, but *I* judge myself harshly for not being "original" enough. Meanwhile, many artists are constantly iterating. Artists will make whole series of images that are an iteration of the same core concept. They'll use the same subject over & over. Some artists are really only known for making images of one specific subject. Someone might draw dragons again & again, or just paint flowers, & so on. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I can make as many versions of an image as I want. I can make as many pieces as I want using the same concept & method. I can concentrate on any subject I want. Artists repeat themselves all the time, but every time it's different. You are not required to think of something brand new every time you start an artwork. In fact, the things you make will probably help generate ideas of what else you could do with the same general concept. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis The other thing that has helped is art therapy videos. I sometimes make something later following the instructions, but sometimes I just watch them create & listen to what they have to say about letting go of control & the fear of judgment & making art because it is healing to express yourself in this way. It's a way for me to feel I've been given permission to create things. Of course I don't actually *need* permission from anyone but myself, but it's tough to convince myself to allow it. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I really never thought I could actually become a person who makes art as a just a regular part of my life. I've been trying, but I've been blocking myself mentally & giving up. When I've attempted making visual art before, I've always been focused on an end goal. Like, "I think it would be cool to make comics, so I need to learn to draw people & action, & until I can do that, I can't make the art I want." So I get discouraged & give up. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis My spouse helped me a lot just by teasing me for the way I kept saying "I'm not a real artist & this isn't real art" (not in those exact words) after I started playing with the ink brushes I got for Christmas. He reminded me that I was literally making new things every day & then denigrating them & myself for making them at all. So weirdly, *occasionally* teasing is good for your emotional health. I needed to hear that it was silly to make things I like & then put myself down for making them. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…cm58 Thank you! You encourage me a lot. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Another thing I've been reminding myself is that artists iterate. If I make something & find when I'm done that I can imagine a different version of it that I want to see, I can make that too. You can repeat yourself & try different things. There is nothing wrong with that. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis You know what I was saying about how art doesn't need to be perfect? I better live by that myself. Here's something I started work on yesterday & finished today. #MakingArt https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/116/024/309/170/774/653/original/6cc8ba8fe27d3be5.jpg npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I make art now in part because I just am not comfortable with the tech bros' desire to somehow seize the means of creative production. It makes me a wee bit suspicious, you know. Why try to take art out of the hands of individual artists? Sure, sure "labor costs", but it's fishier than that. AI art is a *power grab*, & I'm not interested in indulging them in this. So I make my own art now, because art is supposed to be made by humans. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Supposed depictions of historical events without costume designers is an interesting choice. I can't imagine any of the clothes depicted make any sense let alone are accurate to the period. And maybe that doesn't seem like it matters, but history is all context. AI doesn't do context. It's such a weird, weird choice to try to use AI for a "historical docudrama". Article: Why Darren Aronofsky thought an AI-generated historical docudrama was a good idea https://arstechnica.com/features/2026/02/why-darren-aronofsky-thought-an-ai-generated-historical-docudrama-was-a-good-idea/?utm_social-type=owned npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…sxam Historical education without costume designers is an interesting choice. I can't imagine any of the clothes depicted make any sense. And maybe that doesn't seem like it matters, but history is all context. AI doesn't do context. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…zaxj Oof. Yeah, people need to know that the question of whether you can/should run your own Fedi instance is not just one of technical capability. You have to decide how you're going to solve moderation/harassment problems, which is significantly more difficult. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…ygus The Utopia of Rules by David Graeber. Radicalize her against bureaucracy. I think it's highly enlightening about how violence & repression feature in our daily lives in ways we don't even realize. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I'm doing a 9x12 page right now. It's a big space to fill, & I'm having a hard time letting myself discover what I'm making in the process. It feels like I should already know what it "should" look like. But I've been learning to sit back in my chair & just wait & see what I want to do next. Since I mostly do watercolor, there is a lot of waiting for things to dry anyway (though I do the same even with colored pencils & markers). It keeps me from panicking about "mistakes" & giving up. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis A couple things I've learned about my own creative process: - don't rush to correct "mistakes". You can end up doubling down instead of "fixing" it. Not to mention, "mistakes" are how the unexpected happens. Let them sit & then come back & see how you feel. Relatedly: - don't quit the creative process just because things aren't going as expected. Follow your instincts, not just what you think will "look good" in the finished creation. Let it cook. #MakingArt npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…fcdr These ones actually just started with the colors. I watched a video on mixing neutral shades & really wanted to see what colors I could get. So I mixed the paint & I was really happy with the color so I just played. But I had them sitting on my desk for a couple days because I thought maybe there was more to them, but after letting them sit, I decided if nothing was coming to me, I think that means they're finished. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I don't know what either of these are about, but they are apparently done. #MakingArt https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/116/020/472/973/534/692/original/b718e9cec5799c14.jpg npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…gfcd Astonishingly yes, I think that was literally true. They thought all they needed was to elect him in 2024, & the whole culture would just suddenly accept & respect & admire them. Ridiculous that they believed an election could do that, but we know these people aren't thinking logically. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis My husband works at an auto parts store in Wisconsin, & he hasn't seen a single MAGA hat in his store for nearly a year at this point. A lot of folks who used to be loud & proud MAGA are shutting up about it. Wearing a MAGA hat does NOT get the reactions they want. Again, they were supposed to have won so much at this point that they would be sick of winning. That was the promise. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis They are fragile, & desperate, & not actually good at predicting what people will do. They are pretty shit at a lot of stuff. Minneapolis is the perfect example of these two truths. The magnitude of the violence is horrific. The unchecked brutality is unbelievable. AND It is not going as planned at all. This was supposed to be a showing of strength for them. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis It was also supposed to make what's left of their base feel good, but it's mostly making them have to deal with more & more uncomfortable confrontations. By now the MAGAs were supposed to be sick of winning, but instead their investments are in the toilet & their children won't speak to them & they are just fucking hated. They are getting quieter & quieter & quieter, at least around here. Minneapolis does not make them feel like winners. It makes them feel hated & unwanted. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis There is always a balance to strike here in communicating about this: it can both be true that they have a lot of power to inflict massive harm & do unbelievable violence (& it is true) & that they are really disorganized & incompetent & only getting worse. They are cutting themselves off at the legs, firing & driving off everyone in pretty much every department of the federal government who is competent & experienced. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…tj4e Nor should any of us be. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Their desperation betrays them though. If they were strong, if they had real backing & support, they would not be desperately trying to rig elections in the most loud & obvious ways. That's not strength. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I'm not saying it's nothing to worry about. It's *definitely* something to worry about. I'm saying that it's not like that somehow defeats us. It's not like "it's all over" if that happens. Shit's likely to get pretty bad before it gets better, but that's not the same thing as losing. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I would really, really prefer that the regime does *not* successfully manage to rig elections, BUT Please be aware, that would not be the end of hope. Not by a long shot. In fact, that's a dangerous & precarious situation they are placing themselves in, so you know their feeling weak. They aren't able to actually generate support for what they are doing. They are fearful. Beyond that though, just in general, we were never going to be allowed to vote away our chains anyway. Voting won't do it. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…4n05 I imagine the idea of the "authentic self" may feel strange to a part of a plural system (not trying to assume what you're feeling though), but I hope at least it's not too alienating. I don't pretend to understand the experiences of my plural friends, especially because not only are all plural systems different & unique, but also because alters may have different experiences of themselves. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…k6h4 I'll have to take a look! Thanks for mentioning it. I always appreciate recommendations. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Remember: if your unique expression of self wasn't dangerous to them & to their systems, they wouldn't work so hard to beat it out of you. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Our emotional wounds are one reason it's so fucking hard to actually get together & show these fascist motherfuckers what's what. We are fucking isolated from one another inside of our own heads. We are scared of getting something wrong. We are too terrified of being different to step off the path into the grass. We can't trust, we can't connect, & we can't see each other as we are. We hide ourselves. Find your authentic self. You need them for this fight. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Call it the patriarchy or capitalism or whatever, pick whichever of the many compounded facets of the imperialist kyriarchy you want to call out: all of them require conformity & compliance. The patriarchy requires strict gender roles & performances. Capitalism needs unquestioning worker bees. And so on. Yes, that's oppressive. It's also emotionally wounding & inhuman. People cannot thrive like that. To move forward we have to heal the wounds in our hearts as well as the world. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Pretty much everyone experiences that, though. There's a reason emo was a big deal for a quick second there. A lot of young people were feeling silenced & ignored. We all get Othered. We all get shut down when we try to step outside of the box constructed by the people around us. We all get told we need to sound, act & think more like other people. That fucking trauma keeps being inflicted by a society forcing conformism. That, folks, is one of the reasons fascism is murder on the soul. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I'm the girl who listened to "I am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel on repeat as a kid, just trying to find a way to not feel the way I felt. I knew the song wasn't describing a healthy way of being, but it really seemed like the world was just demanding that I stop feeling, & I didn't know what else to do but deny myself & my feelings. Painting helps me find more of what was there *before* I felt I needed to erase myself & my emotion. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I'm settling into the idea that my emotional experiences are not so completely different from other people's—the way I often felt as a child—but that I experience emotion at a higher *intensity* than a lot of other people. That can still be very painful, but it's not nearly as isolating as when I used to feel so very alien. These days I'm a little more conscious of the ways my emotional experience can connect me to other people & a little less fearful that it will isolate me. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Art can help people emotionally in a lot of different ways. I think one of the ways it's especially strong for me as a neurodivergent person is that creating intuitively is the opposite of masking. I've spent my life working so hard to contain myself, to make myself presentable & acceptable to others, to communicate in the way they communicate, that sometimes I feel like my natural way of being & expressing myself has been crushed out. Art & unmasking go together for me. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis What I described above is not exclusive to my experience. We've all been conditioned towards conformity. We've all had our inner voices silenced. And creative expression has a lot of power to potentially help us find our voices. It's really healing to try out ways to express yourself without judgement or expectation. We all need to learn to love & respect our authentic self. We all need a chance to really be ourselves & speak with our own voices. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Watercolors are also a great way to start painting, I think. If you don't need to get fancy, a basic watercolor set is very cheap & is good enough to start painting, even if it's a far cry from the really good paint. Even better for me: with watercolor there is so little mess & virtually no clean up, because you don't have to worry about paint drying out. It's supposed to dry out! So when you're done painting, you rinse out your brushes & you're done! npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I have to say... picking up paints changed my life artistically. My whole life I have dabbled in drawing, trying time & again to figure out how to "draw well" & burning out every time. I had these ideas of needing to be "good at" something before I could do it for fun or joy. I had this feeling that I needed to learn who to do it "correctly". Painting has really helped me just accept that I can make whatever I like & simply enjoy the process. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis For appropriate theming to my Fedi instance, I should say that I should have known Apollo would eventually get involved organizing to help people from a story he told me about a D&D campaign he was in. In their adventure, some workers had kidnapped some people to make demands, so Apollo immediately goes to "we can help you form a union & demand better wages & working conditions." They resolved the hostage situation & Apollo's paladin became a part-time union organizer. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I've been posting a lot about my difficulties with some of my siblings, but at least I can say I've never been prouder of Apollo than I am now. A large amount of his daily time & energy goes in some capacity or other towards helping people. They are spinning quite a few plates right now. Sounds like he's doing okay keeping a mental health balance & not burning out, but he is all-in on caring for his community right now, & I could not be fucking prouder of my little brother. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Lots of people are doing the same work throughout the city: organizing to keep people housed & clothed & fed & able to buy their medications & all the other necessaries. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I don't know the details of everything he's doing & I don't ask, because ain't nobody trying to lead the Feds to anyone they may be targeting, but what Apollo & his friends have focused in on is meeting people's basic needs right now: keeping people safe & keeping them going. So if you were feeling like showing a little love to folks in Minneapolis, this would be one way (although obviously there are many valid others). https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-neighbors-facing-immigration-crisis npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Hey all, Apollo (my brother in Minneapolis) asked me to share the below GoFundMe. This was set up by the folks he's working with right now. Money is going to living expenses for folks in his neighborhood: rent, food, etc. Don't want to go in depth into the details, but the money they are raising is going straight to folks in need. This isn't a charity with big overhead expenses; it's neighbors supporting their neighbors. https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-neighbors-facing-immigration-crisis #Minneapolis #MutualAid #IceOut npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Aside: but seriously, if you want to know about prison abolition, I am NOT your person, as it is NOT my area of expertise, so I urge you to seek out information & learn more about the harms of carceral "justice". Yes, we do need ways to deal with people who cause harm in our communities, but prisons are NOT it. Maybe look through the books in the Firestorm catalog. They carry some real bangers. https://firestorm.coop/catalog/section/67-police-prison-abolition.html npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Sure, I have specific fears for my individual future, but the thing we've feared is happening *now*. This is not a future prediction about what may happen "if we continue down this path." They are dehumanizing, kidnapping, abusing, & killing people *now*. It's fucking happening. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis And of course, if people think we're being "overly dramatic" about things now, a lot of them would keep saying that to us *while we're being dragged away to a concentration camp by government thugs*. It's a pretense, a cover. It's not normal. Nothing is normal. Now is a good time to be *appropriately dramatic* about real things that are really happening right now. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis "First they came for..." etc. Don't let anyone tell you this is normal or fine. Don't let anyone gaslight you. They're torturing detainees *right now*. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis It feels so fucking melodramatic to be like "oh, the fascists may soon be throwing people like me in death camps". It's really annoying that this is NOT melodrama but real life. Given what's happening now, I do actually have reason to be quite concerned. But again, it feels silly almost. I think that feeling of absurdity is one of the weapons of the enemy. It's hard to accept dire situations because we are accustomed to thinking "it could be worse". npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Hey, let's all promise each other right now that no matter what, we will not just settle down & accept these concentration camps. I've got a couple facets of my identity that could make me a target myself before long, so I won't be forgetting about them, but collectively let's agree that this will never be something we quietly accept or choose to ignore. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I mean, once we've gotten through some of this bullshit, we're going to need to talk about prison abolition & restorative justice, because, y'all, prisons are all torture. It's not fucking okay. But let's start with putting our foot down against the concentration camps. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis It's fucking obscene what's happening right now, what ICE is getting away with. It's terrorism. The other day, Apollo went & spoke to some people who had been recently released from detention in the Whipple Building, & it's abuse & torture happening in there. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis His face is *definitely* in their database by now, because they record everyone, but I have no particular reason to think Apollo would be singled out. He has been more involved in the "helping people" side of things & less the stuff that would make it likely for them to want to terrorize or injure him, unlike some other people who have been targets of harassment & violence. But what slim comfort that is! Oh good, if he gets hurt it will be a random act of violence instead of a premeditated one! npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Some ICE agents did wander around the alley behind his house recently. They walked right past his garage. Also walked across his lawn. Didn't seem to be a specific threat to him or anything but there are just groups of masked gunmen traipsing around through people's yards. Normal stuff. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Brother has heard reports that ICE agents in Minneapolis have started drawing guns on random cars driving by, whether they are observers or just...people in cars going about their day. (please do note: this is possibly third-hand information. While that fucking lines up with *everything* we know about ICE & their behavior, I am NOT telling you he saw it himself). npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I would never have thought of paying money to get cats' nails trimmed, but that's what my spouse prefers to do, & honestly it is kind of nice. It's safer to play some of the games they like when their clawses are duller. Declawing is inhumane, please never do that to your cats, but they can get their little claws trimmed occasionally (or you can do it yourself) if you'd prefer a less pointy cat. Like I said, some cats even *prefer* less pointy claws—they don't get stuck to things as easily. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Our younger cat seems to resent it when we take her to get her nails trimmed, but the older one loves it. She comes home from the trim & prickles her new short claws on the carpet & rolls around & rubs against everyone & everything & purrs. She acts extra contented for *hours* after. She's even stopped fighting us when we put her in her carrier. She mews pitifully, but she walks herself into the carrier now (if we block her other pathways—she's still not crazy about getting locked in a box). npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Also I should note the other benefit from sharing on here is the encouragement or insight that other folks often have to offer. So many of you are so kind & uplifting & have the wisdom of your own experiences. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I try to tell my male friends "I love you", because the idea that men don't need emotional care, affection, & softness is BS, but it's easier to feel safe expressing genuine emotion & care with women. So with trans femme friends transitioning, that switch often gets flipped where I feel "oh, I can safely express affection towards this person." I like it, but it also reminds me that I should be braving the waters of affection with all my friends, because it shows how isolating "masculinity" is. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I finally know what I would tell my child-self to encourage her: "you hurt because you feel things with great intensity & urgency, but someday your ability to recognize & speak about how you feel will help you connect to other people who are also in pain & make them feel seen or give them words that they needed for something they were feeling." My feelings have always been open to the world in an uncomfortable way, but I know now that many others feel the same things even if they don't show it. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis And I get it...it feels rude & almost meanspirited to pull back the curtain on the inner workings of relationships that started in childhood. It can feel like you're revealing things that weren't meant to ever be seen. But on the whole, I'm not sure it's good for us to have to keep huge parts of our lives & emotional experiences hidden away. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis In any case, now that I have an anonymous presence far away from where my family is likely to stumble across it, at least I don't feel that I'm actually exposing anyone. I'm just talking about what I felt & what I experienced. Often the people who tell me my threads are helpful note that they had quite different family relationships, so I don't think it's only about relating to the specifics... I suspect it's often about being allowed to think & talk about things that affected us deeply. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis It's good to find out when I post personal things about my emotional journey & my family relationships that people often find something relatable, or encouraging, or insightful there. Sometimes I feel like I just bleed emotionally all over my social media, but I think one of the things that I am good at, that I have learned can help other people, is being open & honest about myself & my emotional experiences. This is helpful because WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I literally cried tears of happiness & gratitude once seeing someone say they needed to hear some of the things I was saying about my relationship to my sister to help them understand their experience with their sister. It's become slightly less taboo in recent years to talk about emotionally fraught parent-child relationships, but sibling relationships don't usually get such honest treatment. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…euty Ohhhh. That explains a lot. I never know how to answer that question either. I've thought it's weird that people often ask "what kind of music do you like?" when they first meet someone. It's such a hard question to answer! But I guess it's not if people aren't actually answering what they like but which personality template they are using. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…urvf It has the same plot/subject matter as the film, so not a light read, but I think the effect is a bit less disturbing on the page than on the screen. It describes the brutal moments but doesn't linger on them. Not that the film really lingers either, but it refuses to look away, which is part of what makes it tough to watch. Seeing inside the characters' heads does add some new layers & there are fairytale stories sprinkled throughout that create a history for the world. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis FYI, the novelization of Pan's Labyrinth is a delight. I wasn't sure how much I liked it at first, but it has captivated my attention this evening. Also, Guillermo del Toro *really* doesn't like fascists. #ThisIsAGuillermoDelToroFanAccount #PansLabyrinth #delToro npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis @nprofile…eav2 I think this often contributes. Like, they didn't actually think about what they meant & they are taken by surprise when asked for clarification. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis But in any case, hilarious that as a young conservative Christian I was like "whoops! I think they fucked up Christian education. These people can't think for themselves." Yeah... npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis For whatever it's worth, I do think several of the teachers I had at that college were legitimate truth-seekers. I don't think everyone was being dishonest about that. But the trouble is that the people who are able to think a bit more critically often end up creating the cover that the group-think people need to give the impression that they are actually serious people. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis The story around "classical" Christian education is that it's about learning to think critically & analytically as well as teaching Christian doctrine. I mean, they can't say "we needed our own religious schools, so we could keep schools segregated." So that's the story: "all truth is God's truth: we can rigorously think through things, & we'll arrive at Christian conclusions, because it's God's world." Which makes sense on the surface, but obviously is not how that works. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis My freshman year at my tiny little Christian college I was shocked & appalled to discover that most of my fellow students didn't think for themselves. Our classes were largely discussion based, so I quickly found out that even when we "agreed" on something, they were often not able to coherently explain why they "believed" it & they frequently seemed frustrated & annoyed when a teacher wouldn't accept the rote answer they learned in highschool or I persisted in asking questions in a discussion. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Their attitude appeared to be "I said the right answer. What more do you want?" I would call home & complain & complain about these people to my parents. I would tell them I thought the classical Christian school in the area near my college was not very good, because these people somehow got through the "rigorous" curriculum with excellent marks despite only ever echoing what other people said. I legit thought that was a MISTAKE. 🤣 npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Me in college, a "classically educated" homeschool graduate: my classmates' Christian schools failed them! They were supposed to learn to think critically but instead they just parrot what they think the people in charge want to hear. Me now: ohhhhhh. Those schools were working as intended. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis ADHD means backing up the video tutorial again & again to see the step you missed while you weren't paying attention...and forgetting every time to pay attention. 5th time is the charm, right? npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Anyway, sometimes when someone is being very specific about words it's because they are trying to understand you, not necessarily because they are trying to dunk on you for using language "wrong" or something. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis But you said... "You know what I meant!" No...I don't. Could you tell me in words please? npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis The biggest tell that I'm autistic is probably the number of times I have been accused of being "pedantic" or "getting hung up on semantics." Honestly it's very bewildering when you are trying to understand what a person meant by what they said & instead of clarifying any confusion, they get mad at you for "picking apart their words." Are you using language to communicate meaning or not? If I'm misunderstanding/misrepresenting what you meantnyou can just correct my misunderstanding, can't you? npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Another way to put this: I was an autistic child, so I often believed that people meant things literally when they were actually saying them for social purposes & to demonstrate belonging to a group. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I guess what the Christian faith meant to me when I believed was that I could commune with God—a perfectly Good being who is Love itself (don't ask me to square that with Hell; I tried for a long time, & it doesn't work)—and learn how to live a life of integrity, justice, & compassion in whatever circumstances I found myself in. I would be "saved" by Jesus's righteousness, but I was required to do what was right to the best of my ability. That was the religion that I practiced & believed. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I no longer "obey" anything. But I still spend a lot of time trying to determine what the best thing I can do is & then try to do it. I thought that was what we were all doing! I didn't know that many other people skip the "think carefully & decide for yourself what is right" step. For a while, I really didn't know... npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis The Bible teachers my Dad liked best (I'd call them "scholars", but that may be a stretch) emphasized the idea that sometimes the right thing to do is incredibly unpopular. Sometimes doing the "will of God" could potentially put you in conflict with the entire world, but you should do it anyway, trusting that you will be justified before God for doing your best to obey the principles you were handed. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis My understanding was that we had the general guidebooks: the Bible (& in a lesser role, the teachings of church leaders throughout history), & then in our lives, it was our personal duty as individuals to live in accordance with those principles. My intent was to integrate that belief structure such that I could—with prayer & careful thought & consideration—determine what was right for me to do in a specific situation. That was MY understanding of being a Christian. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Hadn't thought about this much in terms of the process of leaving authoritarianism, but I think it's actually significant that I was mentally writing my own personal code of conduct throughout my adolescence. It conformed with what I had been taught about the general principles of our belief structure. It was originally built off of that. But it was my understanding, based on the Bible teachers my Dad liked best, that every Christian had the duty to apply the wisdom of God to their own lives. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Also it's interesting: that was a rule for me. I followed it strictly, even when I didn't want to. But it was a rule I gave myself—no one told me to do that. I frequently gave myself rules in adolescence. Some were better than others. Some were fairly unhealthy for me. Most of them conformed to the beliefs that had been handed to me by authorities. But they were *my* rules, my code of conduct that I wrote for *myself*. I didn't know that was subversive: I thought it was pious. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I stuck scrupulously to that rule I gave myself, even when I did have Thoughts & Opinions about what he did or said. There just didn't seem to be any point in adding in another voice making demands of him. It was the right choice for him, but it was also the right choice for me. I learned that supporting someone in their choices was a whole lot more satisfying than trying to control what they did. Unsurprising that for a little while I was the only family member on good terms with him. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis At least this really does confirm to me that probably the best thing I did for Apollo when we were teens was giving myself the rule that I would never tell him what to do (literally 5 other people in the family already were) I would tell him what I thought, but I specifically told him when giving advice, "I'm not trying to control you. Do what you want to do." He got himself out of the cult, but it didn't hurt to have a sister who affirmed his independence & right to make choices for himself. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis So much emotional healing really comes back to "it wasn't personal" & "it wasn't about you." Sometimes, the pain other people inflict on us just has absolutely *nothing* to do either with us personally or even with our relationship to that other person. It's a real fucking shame to get in the crossfire of someone else's emotional problems, but at least eventually you may be able to walk away & say "it's nothing to do with me." npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis For it to be personal, she would need to have an identity with her own perspectives & opinions. And for her to be sorry for any of it, she would have to re-evaluate the importance of group-conformity vs. personal autonomy. It is not that she personally evaluated me as an individual. All she saw was me not conforming, & she tried to "fix" it. Then I went off & "proved" she was right to insist on conformity, because look what happened to her non-conformist sister. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis So the conflict & the wound it caused me was deeply personal to me. I believed it was interpersonal. I believed I was being evaluated & found wanting by an older sibling, & it stung so badly to be so rejected by a close family member. I experienced it as personal cruelty. And it *was* cruel. It's cruel to keep doing things that you can see with your own two eyes (& hear with your own two ears) deeply wound someone. But to her, it wasn't personal. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis God, I wish I had understood sooner that it was about group conformity to her. It would have been so much easier to just tune out & ignore her criticisms had I only known that the reason she expressed them was that she thought they were "correct opinions" based on what other people thought & expected. So much easier. I thought they were HER opinions. I thought I was being specifically judged & criticized by my sister, not being evaluated on my lack of conformity. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I have been told many times that she was probably a scared child pushing her insecurities on me, & I mostly accepted that explanation, but it still didn't add up. How could someone be so unsure of themselves, so conflict-averse, & so passively conformist AND torment her younger siblings constantly with her ideas of what they should be like? How could someone like that have the confidence to do that? Borrowed confidence. It wasn't confidence that SHE was right but that the collective was. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Ok, I think I am finally integrating this. I don't recall who recommended the book, but apparently it's knocking some things loose. I have been trying to connect the childhood memory of my sister (bossy & constantly trying to control what others do) with my adult sister, who everyone says is passive & scared of conflict. To me, those things have never, ever lined up. Until now. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I did not see her as a "follower" because she was my older sister & constantly told me what to do. As a child, I assumed that her "corrections" came from a place of supreme self-confidence. My child self reasoned: what else but extreme self-confidence would make a person constantly share their opinion, constantly try to force their will & perspective on someone else? But what if those weren't her opinions, will, & perspective? I suppose they weren't really. She thought they were THE opinions. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Is she really sitting around thinking "all I ever did was try to help her"? Again, if so, weird, because I told her not to "help" me. But I guess that's just proof of my wicked, rebellious spirit. I never did want help with conforming better. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis But I dunno, I guess if she was desperately wishing someone would *tell her what to do* in very clear terms, maybe she thought everyone wanted to be told what to do? In any case, I made it very clear year after year after year that I did not want to be told what to do, so any confusion on her part is not for my lack of trying. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis Thinking of my sister as an authoritarian follower does at least explain one baffling thing from my childhood. My older sister used to constantly correct me—bully me relentlessly in fact—about my clothes, my makeup, the way I talked, everything. And then she would tell me she *wished* she had an older sister to tell her how to do things! She was apparently doing me a favor. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis She acted shocked & offended when I reacted with hurt & anger to her corrections. She never thought she ever did anything wrong, even though she was constantly tearing down my self-esteem & self-confidence. She would not apologize, no matter how harsh, critical, & completely unnecessary her remarks were. Is it possible she actually did think she was helping me? I never believed it, because to me that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. She could have just listened to me & let me alone. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis I always thought she was a hypocrite & would have hated having an older sister teaching her how to perform girlhood/womanhood "correctly" just as much as I did, but maybe she was completely sincere. Maybe she actually did wish she had someone to tell her what to do, so she didn't have to figure it out for herself. In any case, I constantly begged her to leave me alone & stop giving me her opinions, & she wouldn't. All I wanted to do was decide how I wanted to look & present myself & exist. npub1csfewy4ex8kvllh0wu9v960psleecfw9qx088c8qg8698xdery9q7vhh7f Artemis It's strange to me, the thought of being scared of not having someone controlling you & telling you what to do. I've spent much of my life vehemently asserting my right to make my own decisions & defending the right of others to do the same. But if having a leader—an "authority"—is what provides you with your sense of comfort & confidence, I guess I can see it. Talk about people who need to learn to heal their own emotional wounds...